


My Struggles

by Digidestined_Dude_15



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Confusion, Dress, Dress Up, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Hair, Katie is a cinnamon roll, LGBTQ, Male Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Nonbinary Pidge | Katie Holt, Other, Questioning, Trans Female Pidge | Katie Holt, Trans Pidge | Katie Holt, Transitioning, matt being a big bro, supportive family, transgender character, two trans girls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 14:05:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15121028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Digidestined_Dude_15/pseuds/Digidestined_Dude_15
Summary: No one knew how much she endured. How much she hid to herself. How many times she pushed herself beyond her limits. How much she had sacrificed.Or even how far back her struggles began.





	My Struggles

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanna say: I'm a gay, cis male, very comfortable with my gender, and very happy as such.
> 
> I'm not transgendered, so my viewpoint on trans folk is based solely on word of mouth and hours of research. If this is offensive to anyone in ANY way, please notify me and I will edit it or remove it entirely.
> 
> Now that that's done, please enjoy!

No one understood how many struggles that Pidge had to endure through her teenage years, or how much of a toll that they took on her. Losing her brother and her father nearly destroyed her, and the only thing that kept her together was a powerful determination to snuff out the Galaxy Garisson’s cover-ups on the Kerberos mission and find out what really happened to her family. She worked tirelessly, some nights even missing sleep, as she used every hacking program she could think of and then some to try and find more information on the Kerberos mission.

 

Being a Paladin of Voltron was no picnic either. Pidge had to constantly expose herself to danger, and her abilities were tested time and time again, almost to the breaking point, not just as a fighter but as a scientist as well. She needed to better herself every day so that her friends could continue to fight the Galra and protect the universe through Voltron, and she produced new machinery combining Earth and Altean technologies on a regular basis, and while she loved what she did with a passion, it was exhausting for her. It showed her how little she knew and how much she still had to learn.

 

However, her struggles began long before that.

 

5 years prior to becoming a paladin, Kade Holt was not your typical 10-year-old boy. While the other kids were on the playground, throwing and kicking balls around on the playground, he was in the classroom at school studying high school level physics. He never really cared for prolonged physical activity. While others wanted to make themselves sweaty and out of breath by the time they came back to class, he wanted to spend his time finding out the many secrets of the universe.

 

He had heard that his brother, Matt, was studying to get into the Galaxy Garrison’s training program, and Kade didn’t want to fall too far behind. The teacher had tried to make Kade go outside to get some fresh air like the rest of the students, but Kade had fought her profusely and when Kade started talking about scientific terms that even the teacher didn’t understand, she gave up and left Kade be. Kade felt a small amount of pride in the fact that he could outsmart a teacher by just making up a few words here and there and making them sound important and technical.

 

Kade had nothing in common with the boys outside anyway. They didn’t even come close to understanding anything that Kade was learning, and because science was the only thing he really cared about, he could never connect with them. He might have had a chance connecting with one or two of the girls in his class, some were fairly smart, but it was still the social norm for his age category that most people were friends only with the same gender as them, and Kade had no interest in drawing attention to himself by way of incessant teasing of having a “girlfriend” by the other boys, and so chose to keep to himself.

 

There was one other person in the room with him, however, a young girl from her class named Kathrine. She had only been in school for a few weeks, being homeschooled up to a certain degree, and just like Kade had refused to go outside, Kathrine had fought just as passionately by saying that she wouldn’t want to get her dress dirty. She threatened to make the teacher pay for dry cleaning if she made her go outside. Needless to say, she was again at a loss for words and gave up.

 

The teacher was outside, supervising the kids on the playground, and Kade and Kathrine were left alone in the classroom. Kade sat dead in the middle of the room, taking notes from his textbook, while Kathrine sat next to the window, staring outside at the kids running around and enjoying themselves. There was a comfortable silence between them, and that worked just fine for Kade. Less noise the distract him.

 

Suddenly, however, that silence was broken when Kathrine decided to speak up for the first time since being left alone. The words she spoke would forever change Kade’s life and the way he thought about himself.

 

“Have you ever heard of the term ‘transgender?’”

 

The term was so foreign to Kade. He had never heard that expression before, nothing remotely like it. He analyzed the term in his head by quickly breaking it down to try to make sense of it, but he couldn’t think of anything that made sense. He was curious now. This was something that he hasn’t heard of before, and his thirst for knowledge pushed aside his introverted personality. Also, the term itself sounded intriguing for whatever reason, and he wanted to know more.

 

Kade turned to his left to see the girl looking at him from her seat in the desk. He only then noticed what she looked like; a girl roughly the same height as him, maybe a bit taller. She had a head of dark-blonde hair that stretched down to between her shoulder blades. Her light colored skin, almost pale, blended in well with the baby-blue colored sundress she was wearing. “Transgender?” Kade repeated back.

 

Kathrine nodded at him. “It’s a term that describes someone who identifies themselves as one gender, but has a biological sex that contradicts that gender. In other words, a boy could be born into this world, but his biological sex and genitalia would indicate female.”

 

Kade was confused by this new term. There was nothing that said people _had_ to act in any sort of way according to their gender, but he knew that you wouldn’t typically find a boy with his hair in pig tails, or a girl who had a buzz cut. His only examples seemed to be hair-based, and he knew that it wasn’t enough to truly get a grasp on the subject. “Can you give me an example?”

 

Suddenly, Kathrine’s expression grew softer, her smile had fallen slightly, and her eyelids drooped ever so slightly. She looked afraid, afraid what she said next would ruin this conversation that had developed between them, but continued none the less. “Here’s one example…” she began. “I was born into this world with the name Kat, and I was born as a boy… but once I turned four, I began to realize that… I’m not a boy. I have male anatomy, but I’m not a boy.”

 

Kade watched with eyes widened as the girl in front of her began to cry. Tears poured from her cheeks, landing on her dress in tiny droplets. Kade’s breath was stolen from him as he listened to Kathrine start to sob quietly.

 

“I-I have the best parents in the world,” she said through her sobs. “When I told them… I was a girl, that I knew that I wasn’t a boy… they supported me. My mom started buying me dresses, calling me her princess, throwing me girl-themed birthday parties, and my dad… when the people at my last school started making fun of me, telling me I was a freak… just some boy who was fooling himself… he quit his job to homeschool me. They gave me everything I needed… so that I could be who I knew I was.”

 

“Why are you telling me all this?” Kade asked. He was genuinely confused. This girl, who he hadn’t spoken a word to since she arrived, was suddenly divulging her past to him as if they had been friends their whole life, as if they had something in common.

 

Kathrine looked at him, her eyes growing red from all the crying. She tried in vain to wipe away the tears falling from her face, only to make room for more to run down.  “Because, I needed to tell someone or I was gonna explode,” she said, taking a moment to collect herself and take a deep breath. “I get the feeling… you’re the kind of person who really couldn’t care less about other people’s problems. You don’t talk to anyone, you spend your breaks nose deep in books… and you look at other people as if you didn’t know or even care about what they’re talking about.” A small grin began to show on her face. “The fact that you’re the only one here right now was also a good reason.”

 

Kade chuckled. “You’re not wrong,” he admitted. “Normally, what everyone else doesn’t concern me. My only priority is to learn everything I can about science and outer space. I want to get into the Galaxy Garrison when I get older, same as my father.”

 

“Your dad works for the Garrison?”

 

“Yeah! He’s currently help them to plan a mission to Kerberos, after learning that there may be microscopic evidence of life outside Earth.”

 

Kathrine looked confused, tilting her head to the side. “Kerberos…?” she questioned.

 

“It’s one of the moons that was discovered orbiting Pluto. No human has ever traveled so far in space, and my dad is being considered for the position as Senior Science Officer for the mission!”

 

Suddenly, Kathrine’s eyes widened, and look of bewilderment filling her eyes. “You mean your dad could be the first astronaut to fly to the end of the solar system! That’s amazing!”

 

The two talked for what seemed like an eternity. Kathrine shared Kade’s interest in space travel and anything intergalactic, specifically the part of life outside Earth, so Kade was more than willing to talk her ear off about everything he knew (while still keeping some parts confidential, knowing he couldn’t discuss everything his father had told him or risk them both getting in trouble). Kade had never felt so connected to someone who wasn’t family. Not only did Kathrine understand what he was talking about, but she also took a great deal of interest in it,  too, something that Kade appreciated greatly.

 

Before they knew it, the rest of the students began to pile back into the classroom, signaling the end of their break. Kade didn’t realize he had spent so much time conversing with someone, but seeing the smile that was spread across Kathrine’s face, grinning from ear to ear, he knew that it wasn’t time wasted.

 

They quickly made plans to meet up after school. Not only did Kathrine want to hear more information on the Kerberos mission from Kade, but Kade was also interested in learning more about being Transgender from Kathrine. The idea that you could have male anatomy and still identify yourself as female was still a lot for him to grasp, but he was genuinely interested in learning. He wanted to understand all the secrets in the universe, maybe this was something else he had to learn.

 

Kade’s family was shocked to see another living being, much less a girl, walking through their door with their son that afternoon. Kade’s brother, Matthew, was even more surprised to hear his little brother listening attentively to his new friend as she went on about different terms such as “Queer”, “Non-binary,” “Transgender” and others of the like. The only thing that had ever interested Kade was science, so he could never have imagined that Kade would be glued to every word that this little transgender girl was saying. He couldn’t help but smile as he watched the two interact, feeling like Kade had grown as a person since he had left this morning with his nose buried in his old text book.

 

Kathrine ended up staying for dinner that night (after calling her parents to confirm), where the two continued to learn different things from one another. It wasn’t until Kade’s father walked through the door that all conversation seemed to cease. Kathrine looked to Samuel with eyes sparkling, confirming that he was the man Kade had built him up to be, and started bombarding him with questions until their meal came. Samuel was none too pleased that Kade was spilling the details of his work to this random child, but let it go in the interest of getting to know this girl that Kade had brought home.

 

Needless to say, there were more than one too many “girlfriend” jokes made at Kade’s expense throughout that meal, all of which seemed to rile him up and produce a good laugh from the rest of them, Kathrine included.

 

Kathrine’s parent’s came to pick her up that evening after they ate, seemingly excited that their daughter had found such a nice friend in Kade, and Kade hugged her goodbye until they met again the next day. Kathrine waved goodbye to the Holt family from the window of her father’s car, and Kade waved back until the car had rode off into the distance and could no longer be seen. Their parent’s went back inside, but Kade and Matthew remained outside their house in the driveway. Matthew watched as a crestfallen expression appeared across his brother’s face, as if the immediate absence of his friend had already caused him grief.

 

“Your friend seemed really nice, Pidge,” Matt said softly.

 

Kade gave his brother an annoyed expression, eyebrows pointing downward with a glare in his eyes. “I told you to stop calling me Pidge, Matt,” he said with a hint of annoyance. “I played Pokemon when I was 4, Pidgey was my favourite Pokemon, can you let it go?”

 

Matt grinned. “Not when you were going around for a week, chirping like a bird, and ‘pecking’ anyone that dared call you anything other than “Pidgey”. Let’s face it, “Pidge” is here to stay.”

 

Kade’s cheeks grew pink, cringing at the memory. He huffed and turned to the side. “Those were dark days indeed…”

 

Matt chuckled softly. “Anyway… I nearly had a heart attack when you walked through the door, bringing something with you that could communicate with you… and wasn’t an AI,” he stated jokingly. “Is there a reason that you bonded so quickly with her?”

 

Kade shrugged. “I dunno… she just randomly confided in me because I happen to be in the room. Right place, right time I suppose,” he crossed his arms as he continued. “Maybe I found her relatable? She has trouble relating to others because she’s transgendered, and thus somewhat shunned, whereas I don’t get along with people because science is all I really care about. But learning about queer people and understanding how a person can identify themselves as anything other than their biological sex… it interests me. I find it easy to connect with.”

 

“Do you feel that way sometimes?”

 

Kade turned to face her brother curiously. “What do you mean?”

 

Matthew’s expression fell slightly, feeling concerned about the topic. He wanted to glance away, but knew it better to look Kade in the eye. “I know you’ve never really given it much thought, and forgive me if I’m wrong, but could this, you taking an interest in LGBTQ matters, be your way of saying… you may not be the boy we all thought you were?”

 

Kade was frozen in place as Matthew’s words seemed to run on repeat through his mind. He had never considered the possibility that he may be a gender other than male, not even after spending an entire day with Kathrine. He just felt like someone who had connected with another person. He hadn’t given a moment’s thought to anything other than the fact that he had made a new friend that he could relate to…

 

Kade spent the rest of the night in his room, pondering on his brother’s question. Up until that point, Kade’s gender hadn’t been a thing of question, just another means to identify himself to whoever asked. Being “a boy” hadn’t ever been a big concern to him. He had the anatomy, but it didn’t change the way his brain processed information, or his desire to become a pilot for the Garrison. His genitals didn’t define him, his love of science, however, did. But was that enough? Was it enough to say that he was just a person who loved science? Being a person in the room who couldn’t say he was sure if he was a boy or if he was just saying so to coincide with his body…

 

Kade collapsed on his bed, looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars that he and Matt had glued to his ceiling years ago. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. The last thing he needed was to wrack his brain when he didn’t need to. He learned that lesson the hard way when he tried to learn quantum physics in grade one.

 

“Question is… am I really a boy? Or am I a girl? …Or am I something else?”

 

 

 

“Sounds like your questioning.”

 

Kade looked across from him, not fully understanding the term from his friend’s vocabulary. He and Kathrine were sitting side-by-side, once again harassing their poor teacher into letting them stay inside for their break the following day. Kathrine took the seat next to Kade and slid the desk across so that the two were connected. Kade was still studying his above-level text book, and Kathrine was listening attentively as Kade went on about his topic of choice for that day.

 

Kade had decided to get Kathrine’s opinion on the distress he had been feeling regarding his gender. Kade went over every thought that crossed his mind the night before, hoping to reach some kind of answer.

 

“Come again?” he asked curiously.

 

Kathrine smiled. “Right now, it sounds like you’re not sure what gender you really are, and your questioning if whether or not you’re truly a boy or if maybe you’re a girl,” she explained. “Personally, I think it sounds like you’re standing on the edge between male and female. You’re waiting for a strong gust of wind to sway you one way or the other, to tell you what you should be. Is that about right?”

 

Kade wanted to argue, not liking the idea of wind, even metaphorical wind, deciding his gender, but in truth that was about the best summary of his situation as he could have come up with. He wasn’t sure which way he would sway at the moment, or if he was to remain on the borderline and remain stuck between the two forever. The more he thought about it, the more he could see himself as either gender, and in either case he really didn’t care all that much. What bothered him most was the fact that there was something out there now that he didn’t know and couldn’t find the answer to. He wanted to know his true gender, and in that moment he didn’t, and that caused him an uneasy feeling, tightness in his chest and mildly anxious thoughts. _‘Will I ever know?’ ‘Should I just pick a gender and stick to it?’ ‘Is it easier to just identify as a boy considering that’s the anatomy I have?’_

Kade groaned, letting his head smack into the book on his desk, earning a small giggle from Kathrine. He turned to one side to face her. “How is this not even remotely easy?” he asked. “I mean, shouldn’t I be able to tell who I am? What gender I am? I mean, it’s me! Who knows me better than I do?”

 

Kathrine gave her friend a sad smile. “It’s never easy if you don’t know, Kade,” she said with a soft tone, almost afraid of continuing. “I was only 3 at the time when I was questioning my gender. It was no less easy. I spent a year in a battle with myself before I finally realized I was a girl.”

 

Kade’s expression relaxed, allowing himself to sit upright. “That must have been very hard for you.”

 

“A little, yeah.”

 

“How did you figure it out? If you don’t mind my asking.”

 

Kathrine’s sad smile began to grow more elated as she recalled her memories. “I was at the mall with my dad. We were looking at Halloween costumes. Dad kept pointing to the boys’ costumes, like vampires, Frankenstein, what have you… but I kept glancing to the princess dresses. Cinderella, Rapunzel, stuff like that… I felt drawn to them,” she giggled to herself. “You should have seen the look on my dad’s face when I asked him to try on dress. I still laugh to myself about it sometimes… He thought I was joking at first, his son who’d been wearing baseball caps all his life asking to put on a girl’s outfit… but even he saw how determined I was. He let me pick out this Snow White outfit, and as soon as I put it on… I felt like I was me, for the first time in my short life I felt like I finally knew who I was.”

 

Kathrine sat back in her chair, looking up at the ceiling like it was her salvation. Her eyes threatened to spill tears of joy, but she restrained herself. Kade could see the expression of pure bliss that had overcome her as she finished her story. “I knew at that point that I was a girl. I had boy parts, but I was definitely a girl, and I was okay with that. I didn’t have to go around feeling confused anymore, and my parents made my transition as smooth as they possibly could have.” She turned to Kade and grinned. “Needless to say, I was Snow White that year… and a few years after that, too, just so I could remember that feeling of self-discovery.”

 

Kade sat back in awe. He could never have imagined that something so simple as costume shopping could lead to self-discovery to such a degree, much less at the tender age of 4. When he was 4, his only concerns were trying to steal his brother’s science book and working as hard as he could to learn to read it (which was successful, he might add). But Kathrine… she had managed to find the road to self-acceptance, and now she was skipping down that road to her heart’s content. Kade only wished it could be that easy for him…

 

Kade blushed as an idea came to mind. It was crazy, it was humiliating, and it felt downright stupid… but if it helped him finally come to a conclusion, maybe it was worth it. “Kathrine…?”

 

Kathrine turned to face her friend, a curious look in her eye. “Yeah, Kade?”

 

A small lump formed in his mouth as he continued, making it harder to ask an already difficult question. He was too deep in to turn back now. Even if he could, he probably wouldn’t. “Could I… maybe… um… try on… one of your dresses?” he asked, trying his hardest not to stutter or burst into flames. “I mean… if it helped you realize… maybe it’ll help me.

 

The thought of putting on a dress, or any sort of girl’s clothes for that matter, made Kade want to run for the hills. He didn’t particularly care for his wardrobe – he stole his brother’s clothes whenever they were behind on laundry, no matter how baggy they were – but he was so accustomed to his preassigned gender, and the clothes that came with it, that the idea of wearing a dress brought a blush to his cheeks that spread to the tips of his ears. 

 

Kade wanted to know, though. He wanted to know for sure what gender he truly felt was his. So, he may be a girl and never considered it, or he may be a boy and just needed the confirmation; he could be content with either scenario. But he wanted that feeling of knowing who he was, even if it was just a small bit. Hearing Kathrine’s story, he longed for that satisfying feeling of self-discovery.

 

Kade couldn’t bring himself to look up, but he could hear Kathrine giggle softly beside him. “Of course you can, Pidge.”

 

The sound of his childhood nickname immediately brought his head up, the blush on his cheek fading only slightly as he turned to see his friend grinning from ear to ear. He knew that Kathrine knew about the name “Pidge” from her time at the Holt residence the day before, but he didn’t think she would ever actually use it to address him. Was she teasing him now?

 

“I say “Pidge” right now because it’s about as gender-neutral a name for you as I know,” Kathrine elaborated. “If you don’t know your gender right now, then maybe using a name and pronouns without gender ties will help you figure it out. It’s up to you, but I think you should remain impartial if you wanna know the truth for sure.”

 

Kade raised an eyebrow. “So… you would call me a “they” instead of a “he?””

 

Kathrine’s grin shined brightly once more. “Now you’re catching on,” she stated proudly.

 

Kade didn’t have time to ponder much more than that, as the rest of the students opened the door and began to take their assigned seats. Kathrine turned towards Kade and whispered to her friend, “My dad will come get us after school, if you wanna do it today.”

 

He did… no, they did. They wanted to find out today. They wanted to try on a dress that may give them an answer. Even from within their own mind, Kade could tell that they already liked the transition from being a “he” to a “they.” They felt it more appropriate. It felt weird to refer to themselves as if Kade was a group of people, as opposed to one person with gender identity issues, but it was somehow… right. Or, at least a step closer to right. And it did feel like there was less pressure on them, less confusing to be torn between two very different identities while trying to figure themselves out.

 

Kade nodded. “I could get used to being a “they,”” they whispered back, a small grin on their face. Kathrine could only smile back at him.

 

 

 

Kade stood in Kathrine’s bathroom, staring nervously at the folded fabric that she had presented them. Their own clothes had been discarded on the floor, and they were trying to muster the willpower to put on the dress that Kathrine had given them.

 

Kade was scared that this wouldn’t work. It was a dress – a piece of fabric that had been cut and sewn in a pattern to look pretty – so how would this suddenly give them this grand revelation about their gender? Would they go through the same process that Kathrine did? Just putting on the dress and – poof – be like “OMG, so I’m a girl after all!” Was it really that easy? And if that didn’t happen, then what? How would they find the answer? Kade didn’t know. Kathrine couldn’t tell them. Their brother and parents were so accustomed to them being male that they almost seemed apprehensive of exploring themselves in the first place.

 

A sigh escaped Kade’s lips as they picked up the dress in both arms. The fabric of the dress felt soft against their fingers, almost silky. “Only one way to find out,” they shrugged and started to pull the lime green dress over their shoulders. They let gravity carry the dress down their body, the hem stopping just below their knees.

 

They looked down at themselves in the dress. It wasn’t overly feminine, but it was very clearly intended to be worn by a girl. The soft, curtain-like material fell down and touched their knees, and hugged their waist snugly. The lighter-green straps hung off their shoulders, revealing sun-deprived skin that didn’t deviate far from the skin on their face. There was a mild breeze that flowed to their lower regions, but nothing uncomfortable.

 

Kade pondered on their last thought. Not uncomfortable… that seemed to be the best way to describe the way they felt. The awkwardness of wearing a dress after dressing like a boy for all his life, they figured, would fade with time. Kade could get used to wearing girls’ clothes, they figured. The dress was certainly made of a better material than the clothes that they had grown accustomed to wearing, and it wasn’t like it would interfere with their studies in any way.

 

That didn’t help their dilemma, however, because Kade still felt as neutral about their gender as they did wearing their own clothes. Was it an interesting feeling to be dressed like a girl? Perhaps. Could they get used to it? Maybe. Did it give them the grand revelation that they were hoping for? Not so much.

 

Kade sighed once more, soon followed by a frustrated groan. Had it been too much to ask for some sign from the universe? They wanted to know already! Not knowing was not only frustrating them to no end, but it made them feel defeated because they couldn’t find the answer. They didn’t know how else to go about it. They didn’t want to be stuck in the middle anymore. For the first time in their life, there was a problem that Kade couldn’t figure out.

 

Kade opened the door and walked out of Kathrine’s bathroom to find her sitting on the bed, waiting patiently for them. She noticed her friend’s despondent expression, and her expression fell slightly as she pieced that together with the frustrated groan she heard earlier. “No luck? Doesn’t feel any different?”

 

Kade huffed. “I don’t believe in luck,” they muttered. “Luck is for people who don’t understand science… But no, nothing different. I put on the dress and I don’t feel any different than if I put on a pair of shorts and a jersey.” Kathrine giggled slightly at Kade’s sarcastic humor. “Seriously. I feel like I’m stuck in between male and female, and can’t choose. I’m waiting for this grand revelation to happen, but nothing’s happening!”

 

Kathrine jumped off of her bed. “You don’t really have to choose,” she pointed out. “If you don’t feel you’re really cut out to commit to being a boy or a girl, maybe you’re non-binary. If that’s the case, you get to really explore yourself, find the gender that best describes you. There’s more genders than just male and female.”

 

Kade glanced off to the side awkwardly. They tugged at the free-flowing skirt of the dress, wondering how an article of clothing had made it so easy to for Kathrine to find her identity, but didn’t help them. They only felt lost. Matt’s stupid comment about being anything other than a boy had snowballed into them being more confused about themselves than ever. They made a mental note to stomp on his foot when they saw him later that day.

 

“Pidge,” Kathrine said firmly, bringing Kade’s attention forward. Kathrine’s expression showed concern for them. “Listen to me. I’ll help you find your way. It doesn’t have to be today, or tomorrow, or a year from now, but we’ll find the answer.” She placed her hands on their shoulders, a strong, reassuring smile growing on her face. “I went through what you’re going through, but I’m not letting you go through it alone. I promise you, as your friend, I’ll do everything I can to help you.”

 

The word “friend” played on repeat in Kade’s mind as they processed everything Kathrine said. Other than Matt and the rest of their family, Kade hadn’t had any friends. They weren’t sure if it was because others simply overlooked them, or because they had pushed others away because they loved science and very few others seemed to share their interest. They had spent two days together, Kathrine and them, but hearing Kathrine say it aloud – say that she and them were friends – made it real. They were friends. They could confide in her, and vise versa. They cared about each other. They wanted to help each other. They both loved science.

 

Kathrine’s eyes widened briefly as Kade’s confused frown turned upward. Their eyes became glossy, threatening to spill tears. “Thank you,” she heard Kade whisper, their voice strained from the obvious lump forming in their throat.

 

Kade leaned against Kathrine, wrapping their arms around her waist and pulled her into a soft embrace. They wanted to know that it was real. They wanted to know that they weren’t making it up in their mind. When Kathrine’s arms wrapped firmly around their neck, it confirmed the reality of their friendship.

 

Kade wanted this moment to last for eternity, to know that they had found someone to give him a sense of companionship. It was cut short, however, when Kathrine’s hair began to tickle Kade’s nose, bringing about a sneeze.

 

“Pidge!” Kathrine shouted, pushing them a short distance away. The seriousness of her tone, however, was mitigated by the laugh that came out with it. “Get my hair full of snot, why don’t you!”

 

At this, Kade began to laugh as well. “Sorry, your hair tickles! Practically went right up my nose!”

 

The two shared a good laugh between them.

 

Kathrine walked across the room, stopping at a white-colored desk that was set up beside the bedroom door. She opened one of the drawers and pulled out a hair brush and hair band. Kade watched as she leaned down, looking at herself in the attached, full length mirror. She inspected her hair for anything that shouldn’t be there (such as Kade’s snot), and once everything was cleared, she rolled the hair band along her hand and on her wrist like a bracelet, and began running the brush through her hair.

 

The way such long hair flowed effortlessly as the brush ran through it had Kade in awe. The locks that were briefly frazzled were tamed easily by the tough bristles of Kathrine’s brush, and the way Kathrine ran her fingers through it all, bunching it up into a bundle, and somehow maneuvering the band from her wrist around her hair several times, forming a neat, upward ponytail managed to astound Kade. They didn’t know how Kathrine had managed to do all of that, and in only a matter of seconds.

 

Everyone in Kade’s family kept hair at such a short length that it rarely needed more than minimal management. Shampoo and conditioner were everything they’d ever needed to get their hair to cooperate. Kade could recall some of the girls in their glass who tied up their hair on occasion, but never really paid it much head. It wasn’t until they witnessed Kathrine turn around, giving them a teasing grin, and watching her ponytail turn with her, that Kade had noticed how little thought they had given to their hair, and how much they wanted to change that. They wanted to take their hair, shaggy, thick, and uncared for any more than necessary, and make it as beautiful, and as… feminine as Kathrine’s.

 

Kathrine immediately noticed the change in Kade’s demeanor when she turned around. They had gone from choking back a cry from their tender moment prior to, to gawking at her in awe, and she found it very odd. “What, is there something wrong?” she asked, taking a brief look at her ponytail to make sure it wasn’t crooked or anything of the like.

 

“Kathrine…?”

 

“Yeah, Pidge?”

 

“What was that feeling you had when you saw that dress for the first time?”

 

Kathrine blinked in surprise. “Um… I don’t know. Like… it was something I had to try on, to really have a clue as to what I was meant to be. I wanted to know what it was like to be the person in that dress, to feel pretty, I suppose… why?”

 

The fallen expression on Kade’s face suddenly began to ease. Their bewildered frown ran upward, and the tears that were threatening to spill earlier were rushing out like waterworks. The sheer joy running through their body in that very second, in that one moment in time, was growing to be more than Kade could handle. They were tempted to bring their hand to their mouth to prevent themselves from bawling, but they knew that they weren’t going to cry; tears of joy, maybe, but they had no reason to cry.

 

“Pidge?”

 

Kade ignored Kathrine’s comment and walked up beside her. There was a chair sticking outward from Kathrine’s desk, and Kade sat down in it. They ran their fingers through their hair and looked at themselves in the mirror. It felt rugged, almost dry. It cut off jaggedly at the base of their neck, and went off every which way in an unsorted mess. Their brown hair was a mess, and they kept comparing it to Kathrine’s. The dress they were wearing, the fact that it felt no different from their own clothes, he knew the reason now. They didn’t like it anymore. Science was at the forefront of their mind, always, but they knew what they were missing from their life now. That final piece that Kade couldn’t find had now fallen into place, and the resulting image couldn’t be any clearer.

 

“I want hair like yours,” Kade spoke firmly, their voice being more sure than ever. They wiped away the tears falling from their face and continued. “It’s a bit of a tall order, but… I want hair that I can make me feel beautiful. I want to be able to manipulate my hair as easily as you, go from full-down to ponytail in a second, and I want an outfit to match whatever hairstyle I feel like that day… I realize that now.”

 

Kathrine was surprised to hear Kade’s sudden expression. Very quickly, however, she realized that Kade’s hair to them was the same as dresses were for her. Kade had found their grand revelation. They had found themselves through something small. It wasn’t as complex or drawn out as Kathrine’s transition, but it was just as earthshattering.

 

Kathrine smiled fondly, walking around Kade until she was could reach her desk for something that Kade couldn’t make out at first. “Your hair is a bit too short for a ponytail or a bun, but…” Kade felt their bangs being lifted from their forehead. They felt Kathrine slid something along the side of her head and heard a small snap. “Maybe this will help, at least until your hair grows longer.

 

Kathrine stepped away, allowing Kade to view what she had done. There was a pink hairclip that was pinned to the right side of their head, pulling their longer-than-normal bangs out of place. It exposed the skin along their forehead, and tucked their hair back neatly. It wasn’t perfect, but that small, inexpensive charm, made Kade want to cry again, because now, they felt it…

 

“One more thing…”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“No more “Pidge.” Now… I’m Katie.”

 

She felt beautiful.

 

 

 


End file.
